Have you ever heard someone say, "But they seemed fine," when talking about a person who was struggling with mental health issues or going through a difficult time? This phrase is all too common, and it highlights a pervasive myth in our society: that people who appear to be doing well on the surface must not be facing any challenges or struggles.
As someone who has experienced my own silent struggles, I can attest to the fact that appearances can be deceiving. There have been times in my life when I put on a brave face and went about my daily routine, all while battling intense feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and even depression. To the outside world, I "seemed fine," but inside, I was hurting.
The truth is, we all face struggles and challenges in life, but not everyone feels comfortable or safe sharing their experiences with others. Some people may fear being judged, misunderstood, or even discriminated against if they open up about their mental health or personal difficulties. Others may have been taught to keep their emotions hidden and to present a strong, capable front to the world.
The problem with the myth of "but they seemed fine" is that it invalidates the experiences of those who are struggling silently. It suggests that if we can't see someone's pain, it must not be real or significant. This kind of thinking can make people feel even more isolated and alone, and can prevent them from seeking the support and help they need.
So, what can we do to challenge this myth and support those who may be struggling silently? First and foremost, we need to recognize that everyone's experiences and challenges are valid, regardless of how they may appear on the surface. We need to create a culture of openness and empathy, where people feel safe and supported in sharing their struggles without fear of judgment or stigma.
We can also educate ourselves and others about mental health and the many forms that struggle can take. By increasing our understanding and awareness, we can become better equipped to recognize the signs that someone may be struggling, even if they "seem fine" on the outside.
Finally, we can practice compassion and kindness in our interactions with others. We never know what someone may be going through behind closed doors, so it's important to approach everyone with empathy and an open heart. A simple gesture of support or a listening ear can make all the difference for someone who is struggling silently.
In conclusion, the myth of "but they seemed fine" is a harmful and misleading notion that we must work to challenge and overcome. By creating a culture of openness, empathy, and understanding, we can support those who may be struggling silently and help to break down the stigma surrounding mental health and personal challenges. Remember, everyone's experiences and struggles are valid, and we all deserve to feel seen, heard, and supported.
Real People, Real Losses
Let’s talk about some heartbreaking real-life examples:
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Robin Williams, the legendary comedian and Oscar-winning actor, brought laughter to millions. But behind his infectious humor, he struggled with severe depression and ultimately died by suicide in 2014. His death shocked the world because, well, he seemed fine.
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Cheslie Kryst, a former Miss USA, Emmy-winning correspondent, and attorney, died by suicide in 2022. She was admired for her accomplishments and poise, but quietly battled high-functioning depression. In her own words, shared posthumously: “I find myself constantly chirping that I'm OK – or saying I'm fine – when I'm not.”
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In the corporate world, Matthew Mellin, a 43-year-old Google executive, tragically died by suicide in 2019. Colleagues described him as upbeat and engaged. His passing led to deeper conversations within tech communities about workplace mental health and the unseen toll of stress.
The Numbers Tell a Story Too
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC):
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Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S.
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Men aged 35–64 account for nearly half of all suicides.
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A 2018 American Foundation for Suicide Prevention report found that 54% of people who die by suicide had no known mental health condition.
Think about that: more than half had no diagnosed issues. They may have smiled in meetings, hit their deadlines, and even cracked a joke in the breakroom. But inside? They were quietly fighting a battle.
Your Office Isn't Immune
Take Bob from accounting—always cracking jokes, always the first to RSVP to team happy hour. What most didn’t know was that he was battling anxiety and depression. Only when he reached out for help did the extent of his challenges come to light.
Or Sarah in marketing, the campaign queen with endless creativity. Behind closed doors, she wrestled with impostor syndrome, second-guessing her every move.
These aren't hypotheticals. These are people in every office, every industry.
Possibly even your own team or yourself.
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